To My Dearest Voldie Poo
by iremainsilent
Summary: Harry decides that the only way to make himself feel better is to write to his arch-enemy, Voldemort. He realises that it will achieve nothing but a laugh here and there, but really, who sends dear old Voldie any mail?
1. To My Dearest Voldie Poo

**To My Dearest Voldie Poo**

Death Eater: My lord, my have mail.

Voldemort: Bring it to me you damned fool.

Death Eater: Here you are, my lord.

Voldemort: Get out. Hopefully it's my subscription to Wild Witches Weekly.

Voldemort opens the letter and begins to read

To my dearest Voldie Poo,

Just writing to ask how you are? I know how hectic your life must be right now. I mean, between planning my death and gaining world domination, when do you get to sleep? Better yet, does evil sleep? Come on, you can't deny that you are an evil spreading machine. I guess in times like this, you've just got to remember the good times we spent together.

In my first year at Hogwarts, you were attached to the back of Quirell's (sp?) head. No offense, but I'm sure you could have chosen a better candidate. Man, I wanted to kill that guy. 'Potter, give me the stone now'. You would have thought he was the king of England, the way he demanded things. Did you ever see him naked when he went for a shower, or did he make you close your eyes? You so looked, I know it.

In the second year, you came back as a diary. Diaries are so for girls, I bet you were a sissy little pansy boy, weren't you? 'My memory is hidden in a diary so I can here about little girls' lives. Pervert. I know that whatever happens to me, I won't be leaving a diary around. I'm a man, not a nancy. But I guess you can't help who you become. LOL.

In third year, you didn't do much. I was surprised. I thought we would meet annually, like an 'I tried to kill you but failed' party. Maybe not. But I gained a godfather and you gained a ratty follower who would cut off his right hand for you. LOL again.

Fourth year must have been so hard for you! This time your plan involved brainpower. The swappy thingy with his wife and son was great. Don't try to tell me you had nothing to do with it. Then you get my name into the Goblet of Fire. Well, I can thank-you for one thing; I didn't get a chance to fail my exams. I so would have failed History of Magic. Really, who cares? Now seriously, I think you need to join an anger management group. We all know you threw a tantrum when Cedric turned up with me. He was so hot too! And when Wormtail dropped you into the pot, I saw your thingy. I was so grossed out. I can tell you one thing; there goes my fantasies with Draco Malfoy. Damn, because he sure is fine! I'm glad you decided to sure up to our 'I tried t kill you but failed' party. It wouldn't have been the same if you weren't there.

Fifth year wasn't as good. As you probably know, I was a little prick all year. I know that you understand me fully. I have the weight of all that is good on my shoulders and you are bearing evil. Good job so far by the way. Anyways, tricking me into going to the ministry was a new one. I mean, I'm a hero and it was a hero situation. I thought you weren't going to show up and I started to get upset. But you showed up again and tried to kill me. coughfailed againcough  
Sixth year was so boring. You left the job of killing Dumbledore to Draco Malfoy. Sure, he's hot, but not up to the job of that. I heard him crying in the boy's bathroom like a sissy little pansy boy. I guess 

you two have something in common.

Feel free to write to me anytime you wish, as because I'm in hiding I have nothing to do. I hope you do write back.

With all the love and care in the world,

Your Arch-Enemy,

Harry Potter.

Voldemort: What's going on?


	2. To the Smart Ass with Stupid Glasses

The response you have all been waiting for…

Harry was in his hidey hole, when a member from the order came up to him.

Order dude: "Harry, here's your mail. This one has 'URGENT' on it, so I'd read that one first mate."

Harry took the bundle of letters and opened the one stamped 'URGENT'.

To the smart ass with stupid glasses,

When I read your letter, I was confused and, although I won't admit it to anyone else, a little flattered. It's not every day I get mail. Before I write anymore, Cedric was hot, but he has nothing on Draco Malfoy. That boy is a complete hottie, don't you agree. It's tough being a great evil wizard like me, but yes, I do sleep. My dreams are filled with hot female Death Eaters, namely Narcissa. Last night we were getting down and dirty in a spa, and Draco happened to walk in. He screamed 'What are you doing?' and with a smirk a replied 'Your mum'. Classy, yes?

Being attached to the back of Quirell's head was not a fun time, for he was lacking in the certain area. Being an evil genius, I gotta have 'em big. A few more inches and we're talking baby! Maybe if we are ever able to put our differences aside, we can compare and contrast in the loo some time.

And don't insult my diary idea! I know you are just jealous because I thought of it first. You're the sissy little pansy boy for holding a grudge against me. I mean, come on, all I did was kill your parents, no big deal. I've moved on and you should too.

In your third year, I must admit, I was a little let down because of my previous attempts to get rid of you, so I thought that I'd sit that one out and let someone else try. And believe me; you came out of that way better than me. Wormtail is no looker, that's for sure.

And I have to admit, the whole switchy thing in your fourth year was great! Unfortunately, I can only be recognised for help the younger Barty how to lie, manipulate and murder. The rest, I sadly can't claim credit for. But the whole Goblet of Fire thing was ALL my idea, genius right? And yes, History of Magic has always bored the hell out of everyone. Let me know if old Binns' falls asleep in class. Considering all my followers are taking this war thing so seriously, I need a good laugh here and there. Once again, I apologise for killing Cedric, if I had known you two had a thing, I would have waited until you guys had already been in the sack together before offing him. My sincerest apologises Potter. And my thingy was only gross because I was a shrivelled up baby thingo for like a second! I have included pictures to show you what a real evil genius looks like. It's great for getting freaky under the sheets.

Let's not mention your fifth year, because I utterly failed at remaining hidden. One Death Eater dares to laugh at me, and let's just say that he is now a dick head, literally. Sixth year was horrendous. Trusting Draco Malfoy with killing Dumbledore? I just wanted to kill the little fucker's dad so I could bang Narcissa, I didn't actually think that Dumbledore would cark it. I didn't even get Narcissa in the end.

You know, honestly, being a super evil wizard isn't what it's cracked up to be. One day I will get you Potter, have my way with you and then dispose of you like a used condom. You will be my little bitch Potter.

Sincerely yours,

Lord Voldemort

P.S. When I have my way with you, I may allow you to scream Tom, maybe.

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A/N: There is now a poll on my profile page for if you want another chapter to be added to this story. If enough people vote yes, I'll write another chapter. The poll will close on the 1st of December, so started voting!!!


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